Friday, August 19, 2011

Random Rantings

- Money? Yachts? Prostitutes? Was The U just a giant Puff Daddy music video from the '90s?
- Hey Michelle Bachmann, if you know how to lower taxes, increase jobs and drop gas prices to $2 per gallon, could you let us know, like, now. I know you're planning on dropping these truth bombs on us when you're President, but I find it un-American that you're making us wait. (P.S. I do agree with you that carbon dioxide is not harmful. It simply cannot be, because you've been spewing volumes of it the last few months and we're all still here. In your face, 8th grade science teacher!)
- David Ortiz tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs. This isn't breaking news -- it was actually reported in 2009. Yet, nobody seems to remember. Thought I'd remind everybody.
- Ray Lewis got 12 months probation. Plaxico Burress served two years in prison. Just sayin'.
- Yo, New Yorkers, anything north of NYC doesn't classify as "upstate." Binghamton is in the Southern Tier. Syracuse is in the center of the state. Yonkers isn't freaking UPSTATE! You're not in "upstate" New York unless you can make it to Canada on a quarter tank of gas.
- What's with all these fast food franchises adding sea salt to their fries? Get that healthy crap outta here. Believe me, nobody gains five pounds after eating fast food and is surprised. When you walk into an Arby's, you know what you're getting into. There's no need to pretend to be healthy. If you want sea salt, shop at Whole Foods.
- Luke Donald, the No. 1-ranked golfer in the world, was recently whining about the 260-yard par-3 at the PGA Championship, saying that pro golfers should never have to hit woods off the tee on par 3s. Really, Luke Donald? God forbid you actually are challenged on a golf course. Because I make my living (millions less than you, by the way) hitting woods on par 3s. And I'm allowed to complain about it because I suck at golf and I actually carry my own bag. What a baby. WAAAAAHH, I don't wanna hit a wood off the tee. WAAAAAHHHH! Either win a major or quit bitching.
- Pennsylvania is simply the worst state ever (though I've never been to either Dakota, I can't believe they're any worse). You'd think with all the road construction going on that its highways would, at some point in time, be in good shape. Also, way to be conservative by blocking off a lane for 5 miles when you're working on a 20-foot strip of road. Efficiency -- that's what Pennsylvania is all about.
- You can rip the Jersey Shore people all you want, but currently The Situation is getting paid big money to get drunk, sleep with chicks, and now NOT wear Abercrombie & Fitch. If he ain't a genius, I don't know who is.

3 comments:

  1. But Upstate only has two syllables.. it's easier..

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  2. I like to believe that the Southern Tier is actually the Southern Tier of upstate New York. Otherwise, Southern Tier wouldn't make sense either. There is plenty of New York that falls south of Binghamton/Horseheads.

    There is an entire section of the Upstate New York wikipedia page that discusses this controversy.

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  3. Listen Joe, I don't know how many times we need to tell you. Horseheads is not upstate. Your little scheme to label it as the "southern tier of upstate" doesn't hold water. I would like to start a campaign to eradicate the word "upstate" from our vocabulary-perhaps along with other meaningless words such as "robust" "moving forward" and "to be candid".

    ReplyDelete